The Changing Tweenage – Teenage Brain! 

There’s a lot going on! 

Anyone that has experienced a child become a tweenager (10-12) and a teenager (13 upwards) knows that it can be a dramatic time … for all parties. Our young person is developing their own sense of self, discovering their own views and values and looking at expanding boundaries. 

All of this whilst their brain is going through real physical change. In the Pixar Inside Out films we see Riley go through this twice – once at age 11 when the first consol of emotions is upgraded to allow her to feel mixed and complex emotions together and then at puberty aged 13 when a whole new range of emotions steps in – including anxiety , envy and my favourite Ennui – or boredom .

This is such an accurate yet simple way of explaining what is happening – the young brain is literally re-wiring and will unlearn certain things to re learn and make way for new ways of being. All of this can feel very confusing to the ‘body’ that brain sits in – and let’s not forget the body is also going through some big changes. 

It’s a time when as a parent you are also having to make adjustments and changes. 

• When do they get to do things solo? 
• What programmes are now appropriate? 
• What activities can be brought in? 

They may push you away but the instant you distance lo to gain your attention and bring you back in as they learn to be autonomous. 

Their centre of world will change and be more peer focused – and this can cause issues as friendships also change a lot at this time so upsets, fall outs and new connections seem to always be in the mix. Girls in particular want to be included and want to be the same… being in the group is safe and it can feel conflicting to try to be your own person at the same time. 

I remember clearly hubby and I saying we needed a mind map of a flow chart to keep track of which members of which friendship group were involved in what specific drama – a game of who’s actual fault was it! 

And of course, relationships and body image all start to become visible! 

So, it’s a lot 😊 … and it’s of course different for everyone… but here’s my top tips on navigating this time. 

1. Don’t be afraid to keep to boundaries you believe are right… it is not a case of ‘everyone else is doing that’ …explore with other parents what’s in play but also trust your gut as you know your child and they need support in making these bigger decisions.
2. Keep communication open but don’t try and force it – quite often they want to hold information for their friends. If they feel less pressured and they feel able to talk without judgement they are more likely to share with you. 
3. Move to a more coaching style of parenting for some things – listen and ask them their views and how they feel about it … let them lead the decision for a while.
4. Don’t take it personally. I have currently raised 4 young people through this phase and still have another to go and everyone one of them has at some point had their moments … and yet we are all still talking to each other. 

Remember there’s a lot of upgrading going on – even though it can feel at times like they are actually regressing!  … 

And remember that age old saying – ‘ this too shall pass !’